I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore

According to Hunky Hubby, I snore. I told him that, just as ladies do not sweat, ladies do not snore. If anything, I’m sure I emit a dainty, charming even, snork now and then, but only when I am suffering from sinus crapitis or the like. The roaring turbulence he incorrectly attributes to me, I haughtily informed him, must be coming from the dog(s). Why, when Xugana was alive, she snored enough to shiver the timbers. And, she wasn’t even a pirate.

Lacey the Pocket Coonhound snores. Granted, she doesn’t make nearly as much noise as Xugana did, but she snores nonetheless. Since she is a wee, dainty little canine, her sleeping-sounds are not terribly annoying. Her daytime sounds are much more irksome. She barks like a big dog – a really BIG dog. Thank heavens her snoring doesn’t reach the same decibel range.

Hunky Hubby says that my snoring does peg out the old sound-o-meter. I don’t believe him. How, after all, could he possibly hear my dulcet tones over his steam engine sounds? I don’t know how the dogs can even sleep in our room, what with HH’s merry chorus. Sometimes it sounds as if not one, but all, the Three Stooges are in there.

You see, it couldn’t be me. I’m a girl. Girls don’t snore. Or drool onto their pillows. We certainly don’t talk in our sleep. Nope…HH was just teasing me.

Or not. Alarmingly, I became aware that maybe, on occasion, I let loose a doozie of a snore. I was sitting at my desk, working on the computer, when I started the head-bob. I fought valiantly to overcome my fatigue to no avail. How do I know I wasn’t successful? I woke my own bad self up with a mighty and resonant snuffle! Had I been in my actual office, and not the broad cave at home, this disturbingly noisy gasp would have been heard down the hall perhaps leading to a summoning of emergency medical personnel. As it was, I scared the dogs, one of whom was sleeping in another room.

Holy Pandemonium!  That couldn’t be me. One of the dogs was simply perfecting their ventriloquism. It should be noted that whichever one is the ventriloquist does a marvelous job. Then, clearly relieved by this revelation, I gave into the head-bob again and…*SNARF SNARKLE GRUNT*! This time, the dogs fled the second floor in fear, barking their brains out, as if to warn the neighborhood of a fearful monster in our midst. Run, they cried, save yourselves! Run away before it gets us all! After some barking, whining, sniffing and general canine chaos, they returned to rescue me from the alien in my midst. I guess they realized that they shouldn’t let whatever it was kill me…who would feed them then?

Oh shades of humiliation and distress. All those times I’ve napped on airplanes, trains, in the car with other passengers present…could I have blasted and buzzed then? I am filled with shame.

So, back to Denial I go. Really, the hullabaloo attributed to me is flat out wrong. I am an ethereal and delightful creature, completely incapable of emitting crude, coarse noises, damn it. I will not be maligned any longer. I do not snore. Nor do I drool into my pillow. Anyone who continues to suggest otherwise will be banished.

I am woman…hear me exhale gracefully. So delicately, even, that you cannot hear it.

28 March 2015

3 thoughts on “I Am Woman, Hear Me Snore”

  • My wife doesn’t either, that is until her daughter had to sleep in a hotel room with her. Then my claims were not so preposterous. Yet I too live in a glass house.

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