Don’t you get irked when you see a sign that announces “out of order?!” I do. Yet, here I am, deliberately causing you, my loyal (I hope) and ever-increasing (I really hope) readership ire. Please accept my most profound apologies.
I have some posts gurgling and brewing in my half-crazed brain, so when I can get back to it, I hope to amuse. The reason for the lack of recent entries will be made clear to you soon. Right now, I can only sit upright long enough to drool on the keyboard. Yes, you read it correctly: drool.
Being the Empress of Klutz that I am (not at all like the Sultan of Swat), I caused myself enough injury to regale the Heathcote ER with colorful Sailor language. Again. Upon my noisy arrival, they consulted their records and found my last chart. I informed them, correctly of course, that I did not break anything this time. However, I continued, pain-be-gone ministrations would still be appreciated. I don’t think they were particularly amused when, as I was being rolled down the hallway to an open room, I inquired as to whether they were taking me straight to the amputorium.
Since I wasn’t bleeding, profusely or otherwise, they made me wait for pharmaceuticals. There was a TV in the room and I got to watch Jeopardy, so the evening wasn’t a complete loss. The very nice physician (who looked 17) and I discussed my condition. Then, we (okay, I) argued about which pain alleviators were the most appropriate. I begrudgingly conceded by telling him, “I guess since you’re the doctor, you know best.”
Bingo, bango, bongo. Dr. Teenager used his vast medical knowledge to prescribe…Vicodin. C’mon, man, I could have come up with that solution! Ugh. Not a fan. I tried to get Damn-it-all (Tramadol), but he poo-pooed my suggestion. Fast forward a day and a half and here I sit drooling on my keyboard. I think the ER Doc did this on purpose. The notes regarding my last visit may have included phrases such as “swore at the X-Ray tech,” “tried to tell the doctor how to do her job,” “was uncooperative about pain management prescriptions,” and “annoyed the HELL out the entire ER staff.”
They certainly got back at me this time. Vicodin. Crap. I hate the stuff. Maybe if I go to a different ER next time, they will be more creative about pain mitigation. There have got to be perfectly good non-narcotic options. Options that won’t cause unpleasant side effects.
I will have to save a few Vicodin, though, for when the bill arrives. That surely will be an ouchy moment worthy of narcotics. Meanwhile, Nurse Lacey is tending to me and will ensure that I can jump back into Blogville soon.
Thank you for your patience while the patient recuperates! Drool can seriously harm a keyboard.